How this thing came to be.
Sigh….sometimes I wonder why I ever tried to play the game, I was great at it. Don’t get me wrong I could “fake it ” with the best of em. I was however, miserable deep down in my soul I struggled with anger, which was getting harder and harder to control, so I often had to self medicate. I didn’t fit in, and the more I forced myself to, the more I wanted to rip my eyes out of my head. The so called “social norms” were baffling to me. I mean seriously….. maddening.
I did not understand why anyone would want to gather together in any one location just to talk about celebrity gossip, other people, or having babies. I never had much to say about any of those things. They never interested me, nor did it have a direct impact on my daily life. I tried though, I would show up to those self imposed torture sessions dressed to fit in to whatever setting was appropriate. I would show up and do my best to blend. Often times at these exasperating ordeals I would end up on my phone reading the news, looking at current events, reading about Higgs Boson. Anything to keep me from yelling at the group I was surrounded by “What the hell is wrong with you shallow self centered assholes.”
I came to the conclusion that I really didn’t like people, but I needed to keep up appearances. I thought I was the one that was wrong , or damaged in some way. I brushed it off to bad parenting (seriously…. if you met my mother) I was driving myself out of my mind trying to conform. Then one day…..I stopped.
So I kinda have this mindset that “I’ll figure it out ” ok, let me revise that. I have the mindset ” leave me alone, get out of my way and I will figure it out” seriously its just life, I’m not the first one to try it. I convinced my boyfriend, whom to his credit made the decision he seriously wanted to date me. All this while I was having my ” I’m going to burn it all down” episode in my life.
I personally think he may have just wanted to be witness to the train wreck first hand, so at some point he could tell his buddies ” no dude,… that really happened.” Either way we picked up and moved from the modern comforts of life to the middle of,….well….the damn sticks. We live in Tennessee and its a whole new world, not really what I expected but hey we literally bought our land sight unseen.
Oh there are so many goals…. the big one for me is being happy. We have recently found some fantastic podcasts that are providing us with some useful tools and insights to help us travel this road with more joy and less tears. Thank you to Antonia Dodge & Joel Mark Witt’s podcast Personality Hacker (https://personalityhacker.com). I also find myself being encouraged by the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, and of course my inspiration Mr. Nikola Tesla. Roland and I are traveling down this road, primarily as loners. It takes a lot to get to know us. Often times we do not give people a real chance to see our funny, creative and inspired side. We have both come to see this.
As a part of our shared goal to try and be the best version of ourselves, we are inviting you to come on the journey with us. We have each decided we will do a Journal entry a day. At the end of each day we will share with you; our stories, our successes, failures, and perspectives on them. Please enjoy them, I hope each person reading gains something from our experiences. If nothing more then just a from the gut laughs.